Your Permission is All I Need

By Cayleigh, May 21, 2018

I’ve been a little – ok, a lot absent lately from the blog. Real life gets crazy sometimes I guess. More than half of my house has been packed or thrown out. Georgia is coming soon I hope. The limbo I am sitting in is so uncomfortable. Torturous almost. I am usually good with going with the flow as long as the flow is going somewhere. Until I get a job, the flow has just stopped. I’ve had a lot more panic attacks and more severe anxiety attacks in the last few weeks. I’ve not felt like myself in a while.

Change is scary, but a necessary function of life. For anyone that understands anxiety, stability is so important. Unfortunately, there are going to be times in life that we don’t get as much stability as we would like. That’s just not normal life routines, but people and places. I am so scratching for any bit of stability that even the tiniest bit of difference is noticeable, and can send me into fits. My cat Chevelle is usually a dairy connoisseur. He will wake up from dead sleeps to race to whoever has the dairy. One night I was eating ice cream and he was cuddled up next to me and I offered him some and he just laid his head down. I freaked. He was fine the next day….in fact he stole chicken off my plate. But my point is, I freaked. An outsider would have thought Chevelle has passed.

I don’t really talk too much about my personal relationships here, mostly because the people that read this know most of it, and some of it I try to keep private. I just wanted to say how lucky I am to have such a good, patient, stable, caring man on my side. I’m sure it’s hard being 1000 miles away, but every day he tries to show me (not tell me) how much he loves me and tries to take care of me. This might surprise you, but I’m a little bullheaded. It comes from years of loss and abuse, but I’m so used to taking care of myself and taking care of everyone else. I’m sure I drive Nala absolutely insane. But he still loves me. I mean, he really still loves me. He makes time for me every day…even if it’s just a couple minute conversation…but he lets me know he’s there. Even at my worst, he still loves me. I am so grateful to have him. Lots of others in my life have left or given up. Nala’s just stayed and loved me just how I am. Not what I can do for him, what I can give him, or anything else. And he lets me love him back.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have other friends and family that have been absolutely amazing. We all have our shit we are muddling through but are still finding ways to love and support each other. I know this last couple of months haven’t been easy for any of us. But together we can keep moving forward with each other’s love and support.

<3, Cay

Body: Maitreya Lara
Head: Catwa – Uma
Skin: DeeTaleZ – Heidi, European
Ears: Bentbox – Sylvan Ears
Hair: Exile – Not Today, Blondes
Romper: Neve – Tootsie, Rainbows
Shoes: Empire – Jaborosa
Tattoo: White Widow. – Music Box, Lavender
Necklace: EarthStones – RainBow Necklace

What do you think?

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